DESIRE
by BlueSimplicity
Summary: Dee reflects upon desire and all the things he has wanted throughout the course of his life A companion piece to CHOICES.


**Author's Note: This story is once again dedicated to my Beloveds – S, GD, SN and BC. Thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. You gave me both the courage and inspiration to write this piece as well. I can never thank you enough. You know who you are, and not so surprisingly, yet again words fail me. **

**And as always, for my Kirajen. Thank you for keeping the faith, even when I had none. **

**This story is a companion piece to CHOICES. You don't need to have read CHOICES to understand this story, they simply complement each other.**

**Once again - Reviews and concrit are greatly appreciated. **

**FAKE is the property of Sanami Matoh. I am making no money off of this. **

**DESIRE**

When Dee is five years old, what he wants more than anything in the world is to fly. Mighty Mouse can do it. Shazaam can do it. And then of course there is Superman.

Dee knows that if he can just run fast enough, it will be his turn. With his face in the wind, his feet will leave the ground and he'll be in the air, soaring up above the clouds. And then maybe, just maybe, it won't matter that all of his clothes are second hand, that he has to share his toys with ten other kids, and that he doesn't have any parents.

One open window and a broken arm later, Dee knows, even at five years old, that there are some things that no matter how fast you run or how hard you try, you just can't escape from.

Stupid Superman. Maybe if he had only had a cape.

----

When Dee is fifteen years old, what he wants more than anything in the world is to believe in god.

But it's hard to believe in something that allowed you to be abandoned in an alley when you were just a baby, let one of your closest friends die, and did nothing while the one person you thought of as your father bled to death in your arms. How can you believe in something that obviously proved it just didn't give a shit?

_But don't you understand_, Mother Maria would say calmly, _He has been watching over you all this time. Instead of letting you die in that alleyway, you were brought here. And while Arnon made the wrong choice, He helped you not to and kept you safe. And even though Jess died, he didn't die alone, and you got to say goodbye to him. Don't you think that He wasn't looking out for you then? _

She watches as the boy she thinks of as a son stomps and curses and looks at her as if she's crazy.

_That's fucking bullshit_, he snarls. _Who the hell can believe in anything like that?_

But Mother Maria is patient, and wise. And what she understands, but knows that Dee can't just yet, is that God doesn't always give you what you want. He gives you what you need.

What she wants for Dee is for him to have faith. But she knows that what he really needs is time.

----

When Dee is eighteen years old, what he wants more than anything is sex. Hard sex, fast sex, frantic, hot, monkey sex. Over and over and over again. He doesn't care who it's with, male or female, or when it happens. He just wants it and he wants it _now_.

It's the one thing that he knows he can get. And after years and years of being told what he can't have, being able to have what he wants, even if it's only for a night, is good enough.

----

When Dee is finally promoted to detective, what he wants more than anything is to be able to make a difference. He has seen too much and lived too hard to not want to try and change things. If he can just do this, if he can just prove himself, then maybe, just maybe, he can keep more kids from ending up like Arnon. And even if he can't, if he can save just one kid, just one, stop them from turning to a life of drugs or crime, then everything will be worth it.

He still wants sex though. He always wants that.

----

When Dee meets Randy "Ryo" MacLean, for the first time in his life, Dee doesn't know exactly what he wants. There's something about the other detective that he just can't place his finger on, and it makes him itch.

What he does know is that he wants to hear more of the sound of that soft voice, and stare deep into those dark eyes to see what lies there underneath all of that stillness. But he still doesn't know what it is, or why he wants it, and it drives him crazy.

Lucky for him, and perhaps unlucky for Ryo, is that Dee has never been one to shy away from something just because he can't understand it. And he is determined to push and press, poke and prod, until he finds out exactly what it is.

Lucky for Dee, is that when pushed or pressed the right way, Ryo will poke and prod right back.

----

A year and a half later, when Dee looks at Ryo, he knows exactly what he wants. It is such a simple thing, three little words, but he wants it more than he's ever wanted _anything_ in his life.

And it's so hard because he has to be patient and dance this dance and take two steps forward and one step back. It's tiring and frustrating and there are some days he wonders why he even bothers.

But then he'll look up, and see Ryo smiling at him with such warmth in those dark dark eyes, and Dee knows that no matter what, if there is even the slightest chance, then he will wait until the end of time.

----

The first night Dee makes love to Ryo, what he wants more than anything in the world is to be gentle and for Ryo to feel safe. This is different than the sex he had when he was younger when all he could think about was the burn and the hunger and his own skin itching with need. There is all of that, but for the first time in his life, Dee is not thinking of himself or of his own pleasure. Instead his thoughts are wrapped around this man, who has finally come to him with all of his shields down and complete trust in his eyes.

And what Dee wants more than anything is to be soft and gentle and to ease his body into it, into this new rhythm of pleasure, so that when Ryo wakes up he will know, he'll just know, that he is wanted, that he is loved, and that he always will be.

----

When Dee is thirty years old, he wakes up one morning to find honey blonde hair on his pillow and a pale arm draped over his chest. And what he wants is mornings like this for the rest of his life.

As he lies there, feeling soft breath against his shoulder and looking down at a hand that he knows had searched for the beat of his heart, he closes his eyes and says a prayer of thanks to god.

Because Dee now knows that for the first time in his life, after all these years, he has finally learned how to fly.

THE END


End file.
